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Lustiger Atheismus!


Meister vom Königlichen Gewölbe
30. September 2002
Das hier soll ein Sammel-Thread für lustige und humorvolle Darstellungen des Atheismus sein. Falls ihr irgendwelche Texte habt, die sich auf diese Art mit dem Thema "Gott" auseinander setzen, stellt sie hier rein!

"Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise... somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Ho-lee Shit!!

But I want you to know something. This is sincere. I want you to know, when it comes to believing in God, I really tried. I really, really tried. I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up. Something is wrong here. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, torture, crime, corruption, and the Ice Capades. Something is definitely wrong. This is not good work. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. Results like these do not belong on the résumé of a Supreme Being. This is the kind of shit you'd expect from an office temp with a bad attitude. And just between you and me, in any decently-run universe, this guy would've been out on his all-powerful ass a long time ago.

And by the way, I say "this guy", because I firmly believe, looking at these results, that if there is a God, it has to be a man. No woman could or would ever fuck things up like this. So, if there is a God, I think most reasonable people might agree that he's at least incompetent, and maybe, just maybe, doesn't give a shit. Doesn't give a shit, which I admire in a person, and which would explain a lot of these bad results.

So rather than be just another mindless religious robot, mindlessly and aimlessly and blindly believing that all of this is in the hands of some spooky incompetent father figure who doesn't give a shit, I decided to look around for something else to worship. Something I could really count on. And immediately, I thought of the sun. Happened like that. Overnight I became a sun-worshipper. Well, not overnight... You can't see the sun at night. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshipper. Several reasons. First of all, I can see the sun, okay? Unlike some other gods I could mention, I can actually see the sun. I'm big on that. If I can see something, I don't know, it kind of helps the credibility along, you know? So everyday I can see the sun, as it gives me everything I need; heat, light, food, flowers in the park, reflections on the lake, an occasional skin cancer, but hey. At least there are no crucifixions, and we're not setting people on fire simply because they don't agree with us.

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to compare clothing. And the best thing about the sun, it never tells me I'm unworthy. Doesn't tell me I'm a bad person who needs to be saved. Hasn't said an unkind word. Treats me fine. So, I worship the sun. But, I don't pray to the sun. Know why? I wouldn't presume on our friendship. It's not polite.

I've often thought people treat God rather rudely, don't you? Asking trillions and trillions of prayers every day. Asking and pleading and begging for favors. Do this, gimme that, I need a new car, I want a better job. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday His day off. It's not nice. And it's no way to treat a friend.

But people do pray, and they pray for a lot of different things, you know, your sister needs an operation on her crotch, your brother was arrested for defecating in a mall. But most of all, you'd really like to fuck that hot little redhead down at the convenience store. You know, the one with the eyepatch and the club foot? Can you pray for that? I think you'd have to. And I say, fine. Pray for anything you want. Pray for anything, but what about the Divine Plan? Remember that? The Divine Plan. Long time ago, God made a Divine Plan. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. And for billions and billions of years, the Divine Plan has been doing just fine. Now, you come along, and pray for something. Well suppose the thing you want isn't in God's Divine Plan? What do you want Him to do? Change His plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a Divine Plan. What's the use of being God if every run-down schmuck with a two-dollar prayerbook can come along and fuck up Your Plan?

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? "Well, it's God's will. Thy Will Be Done." Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

So to get around a lot of this, I decided to worship the sun. But, as I said, I don't pray to the sun. You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog, Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out with one visit. It's amazing what you can accomplish with a simple baseball bat.

So I've been praying to Joe for about a year now. And I noticed something. I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't. Same as God, 50-50. Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe, the wishing well and the rabbit's foot, same as the Mojo Man, same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.


None, not one, no God, never was. In fact, I'm gonna put it this way. If there is a God, may he strike this audience dead! See? Nothing happened. Nothing happened? Everybody's okay? All right, tell you what, I'll raise the stakes a little bit. If there is a God, may he strike me dead. See? Nothing happened. Oh, wait, I've got a little cramp in my leg. And my balls hurt. Plus, I'm blind. I'm blind. Oh, now I'm okay again. Must have been Joe Pesci, huh? God Bless Joe Pesci. Thank you all very much. Joe bless you!" Quelle

George Carlin - You Are All Diseased

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Robert Anton Wilson schrieb:
In the writings of many contemporary psychics and mystics (e.g., Gopi Krishna, Shri Rajneesh, Frannie Steiger, John White, Hal Lindsay, and several dozen others whose names I have mercifully forgotten) there is a repeated prediction that the Earth is about to be afflicted with unprecedented calamities, including every possible type of natural catastrophe from Earthquakes to pole shifts. Most of humanity will be destroyed, these seers inform us cheerfully. This cataclysm is referred to, by many of them, as "the Great Purification" or "the Great Cleansing," and is supposed to be a punishment for our sins.

I find the morality and theology of this Doomsday Brigade highly questionable. A large part of the Native American population was exterminated in the 19th century; I cannot regard that as a "Great Cleansing" or believe that the Indians were being punished for their sins. Nor can I think of Hitler's death camps, or Hiroshima or Nagasaki, as "Great Purifications." And I can't make myself believe that the millions killed by plagues, cancers, natural catastrophes, etc., throughout history were all singled out by some Cosmic Intelligence for punishment, while the survivors were preserved due to their virtues. To accept the idea of "God" implicit in such views is logically to hold that everybody hit by a car deserved it, and we should not try to get him to a hospital and save his life, since "God" wants him dead.

I don't know who are the worst sinners on this planet, but I am quite sure that if a Higher Intelligence wanted to exterminate them, It would find a very precise method of locating each one separately. After all, even Lee Harvey Oswald -- assuming the official version of the Kennedy assassination -- only hit one innocent bystander while aiming at JFK. To assume that Divinity would employ earthquakes and pole shifts to "get" (say) Richard Nixon, carelessly murdering millions of innocent children and harmless old ladies and dogs and cats in the process, is absolutely and ineluctably to state that your idea of God is of a cosmic imbecile. Quelle


Meister vom Königlichen Gewölbe
30. September 2002
nachgebessert :) ausserdem solls ja auch ein thread zum schmökern, nicht zum klicken sein, auch wenn du boardregel-mäßig natürlich vollkimmen recht hast!


Geheimer Meister
3. Februar 2003
Im Anfang
Ludwig Hirsch

"Niemand kann deine Schönheit bewundern", sprach der Teufel zu Gott in der Höh'. Und ich hab mich selbst an die Wand gemalt, auch das kann niemand sehen! Wozu diese ewige Finsternis? Entschuldige, du Gott, ich verstehe das nicht!" -- "Du hast recht!" rief der Herr zum Teufel und er sprach: "Es werde Licht!"

"Gut", sprach der Teufel zum Herrn, "du hast Tag und Nacht geschaffen, doch wenn es Tag ist, wo wirst du spielen, wenn es Nacht ist, wo wirst du schlafen?" -- "Du hast recht!" rief der liebe Gott, "du weißt, der Herr baut nie auf Sand!" Und er nahm sich sogleich den Himmel und besetzte ihn instand.

"Gut gemacht", sprach der Teufel", du wohnst jetzt wie sich's gehört. Nur der Ausblick, den du hast, der ist deiner noch nicht wert! -- "Ja, bunte Blumen sollen blühen auf der Erde, ich will Farben sehen", rief der Herr, und er schuf auch die grünen Wälder, und er schuf das blaue Meer.

"Sei gepriesen!" rief der Teufel", du hast ein Wunder vollbracht! Du hast die Erde da unten schöner als deinen eigenen Himmel gemacht!" -- Schöner als den eigenen Himmel? Das hörte der Herr nicht gerne, und er schmückte ihn schnell mit Juwelen, das waren Sonne, Mond und Sterne.

"Welch eine Pracht!" jubilierte der Teufel", Psalmen sollen erklingen, doch das Problem ist, edler Herr, es ist niemand da, sie zu singen!" -- "Dann müssen Sänger her!" rief Gott, "die zu mir schnattern, miauen, tirilieren, die zu mir bellen, die zu mir röhren!" Und der Herr schuf die Tiere.

"Geliebter Herr", schleimte der Teufel", fünf Wunder hast du vollbracht, aber fehlt nicht noch ein Wesen, nach deinem Ebenbild gemacht?" -- "Das mach' dir selbst!" sprach der liebe Gott, "ich bin müde, ich will schlafen!"

Und so hat am sechsten Tag der Teufel den Menschen erschaffen.




Geheimer Meister
23. September 2002
Ist der Mensch nur ein Fehlgriff Gottes? Oder Gott nur ein Fehlgriff des Menschen?-
Friedrich Nietzsche


Ritter Rosenkreuzer
10. April 2002
Der Heide in der Hölle

Ein Anhänger der alten Religion findet sich, nachdem er gestorben ist, auf einmal in einem dunklen Gang wieder. Ein Schild verweist: "Zur Hölle". Er hat keine andere Wahl als diesem Gang zu folgen. Nach geraumer Zeit steht er an einer Tür, die nicht verschlossen ist.
Der Heide betritt die Hölle und traut seinen Augen nicht. Heller Sonnenschein, angenehme Temperaturen, Palmen, Meeresstrand, alle 100 Meter eine Strandbar, fröhliche Menschen tummeln sich, kurzum paradiesische Verhältnisse.
Der gerade verstorbene Heide geht am Strand entlang, bis er plötzlich eine Gestalt mit Pferdefuß und Schwanz in einem Strandkorb sitzen sieht. Er geht auf das Ungeheuer zu und fragte ihn, ob er denn der Teufel sei. Dieser bejaht und begrüßt den Neuankömmling äußerst herzlich. Er schickt den Heiden nach dem Geplauder zu einer der Strandbars, um sich dort einen Drink zu besorgen. Der Heide nimmt einen Daiquiri und schlendert am Strand entlang, um die Hölle weiter zu erkunden. Zwischen Dünen entdeckt er ein großes, tiefes Loch. Neugierig blickte er in die Tiefe und erschrickt fürchterlich. Tief unten sieht er wimmernde, unbekleidete Menschen. Ein heißes Feuer lodert und wilde Bestien schlagen auf die Körper der Menschen ein. Sogleich rennt der Mann verwirrt zum Teufel und fragt aufgelöst, was denn das für ein Loch sei? Der Teufel versteht die Frage zuerst nicht und so fragt der Heide nochmals nach dem tiefen Loch mit dem Feuer, den Bestien und den Menschen dort hinten bei den Dünen.
"Ach so", grinst der Teufel, "Das ist für die Christen. Die wollen das so ..."


Meister vom Königlichen Gewölbe
30. September 2002

@ Deimos:

"Gott ist tot." ~ Fr. Nietzsche
"Nietzsche ist tot." ~ Gott :lol:


Geheimer Meister
14. November 2003
Ein Philosoph und ein Pfarrer streiten sich, welcher Disziplin der höhere Rang zukomme. Spöttisch meint der Pfarrer: "Philosophie ist, als ob jemand in einem dunklen Raum mit verbundenen Augen eine schwarze Katze sucht, die es gar nicht gibt." Darauf antwortet der Philosoph: "Theologie ist, als ob jemand in einem dunklen Raum ebenfalls mit verbundenen Augen eine schwarze Katze sucht, die es gar nicht gibt, und plötzlich ruft: 'Ich hab sie!'"


27. Dezember 2003
Also erstmal Hoi

Der Text von Carlin ist "echt" "genial"=echt genial

Leider kann ich dem von dir gesagtem nix hinzufügen Xakay.

Aber hier nimm :D !


Meister vom Königlichen Gewölbe
30. September 2002
@ blaxxer: Nein, blaxxer, das war mir unklar, erkläre es mir bitte nochmal ganz genau!



@ DerlustigeA:

Finde ich auch. Freut mich, wenns dich freut! :D

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